Yalancı Siyah

Gece yarısının iştah kaçırdığı dönemlerden birindeydi. Kadınının saçları siyah derdi herkese, yıllar evvel bir Çarşamba akşamı uzun tırnaklarını son kez parmaklarıyla cilalamıştı. Artık unutmaktan söz etmek manasızdı, zaman tüm kahpeliğiyle zihnindeki o güzel kadının görüntüsüne buhar çekmişti. Unutmanın, unutmak isteyip istememekle bir alakası olmadığını yıllar tescillemişti. Vaktiyle kırmızı dudaklardan çekilen yaşam enerjisi elbet yok olacaktı ama anısının hep kalacağını düşünürdü. İşte söz konusu bu gece yarısında hayli vakittir kaçınmak istediği gerçekler yüzüne çarptı. O kadına dair tek hatırladığı onu öpmenin verdiği hissiyattı. Sevmediği babasından kalma yadigâr bıçağı çıkarıp parmak aralarında gezdirdi. Bir zamanlar bu parmak aralarında masal gibi bir elin parmakları vardı, şimdiyse körelmiş lanet bir bıçak. Gece boyu hatırlamanın izindeydi, saatler sonra zar zor tırnak uçlarını hatırladı. İşte o kadar. Zaman, insanın metaneti ne olursa olsun daha güçlüydü. Yenildi, herkese siyah diye anlattığı sarı saçlara dair bildiği her şey teker teker ondan alındı. Merhamet, zamana bırakıldığı vakit bir cam gibi batardı.

The Sight of an Angel Weeping

There is a blindness for which I yearn.

The moonlight goes through my eyes,

Gets into my skin and upon my ears

Is the melody of an angel weeping.

Wherever I dare to lay my eyes upon,

There is the sight of an angel weeping.

My weary eyes, open not!

My miserable sight, perished be!

My wicked soul, redeemed not,

Wailful will cherish thee.

For Those Who Wish to Know

Sleep when you must

For the night is not kind.

Its stars shine not on me,

Or you, or anyone awake at night.

Hopefully told stories are lies

And all the cheerful melodies

Are composed by imposters.

Be not fooled by the daylight

For those who were birthed purified

Played foul

Just like you

And just like me.

You... and I,

We must be purified

On a night like this.

A truthful night, if ever be,

Should be the end of you... and me.

May Mercy Be Upon Those

I kneeled before none but my mind

And I died before the end of my time.

Now, pour me whiskey as my soul wanders

Around the ones that betrayal surrenders.

None of the promises are kept,

And all the wives wept.

Tonight, we die again.

Care to join us,

The treasonous?

The Importance of a Well-Deserved Nap

A lady with a piercing, right below her lips

When my good friend's hand was on her hips

Poured me another glass of wine

And tried to convince me that on a normal day

Among me and my friend, her body would not lay

And she wouldn't be in this unholy place

Where her beauty was no longer a grace.

My fingers, weary as they are,

Soon met her dripping desire.

She whispered: "My lust, as it's rusted,

Is only for you. With him, I'm disgusted."

I said: "My fair young lady,

Never let your beauty

Lose its grace."

The lady, with a piercing right below her lips

Left without a grace on that lazy afternoon,

And I took a nap.

Unforgiven Be, Poor Spirit

The priettiest of smiles I have known,

The darkest of oaths I have sworn.

No one said "That's not the path to go."

Now, here I stand

A wicked man, as my own foe.

Throughout the years I've rambled

And every day I said to myself:

"Never again shall I ramble."

And I rambled, and I rambled, and I rambled.

Now that I've got no where to hide,

Once again I must throw in the towel

That holds the blood and the tears of many.

Forgive me, for I know not what I do.

Kill me, for I'll do it again.

Burn me eternal,

For he who sinned

Must again

Sin.

Forgive me not,

For I shall not

Forget the tears

Of those I loved.

But maybe, if sun be bright

And your friends are there,

Find it in your heart to forgive me

For a lifetime I'm spending

In great agony,

And somehow, you know

And you understand.

If not, unforgiven be my poor spirit.

He Who Sinned

Sinner man was too sorry to say a word,
His soul was left with a prayer unheard.
So he loved, the sinner man,
So he vanished, the sinner man.
His grave stood colder than a whore's chest, midwinter.
Everybody knows, he had himself no rest, no whisper.
For all he loved, eternal be his flame!

Daim Olan

  İlk kez gittiğim bir barın müdavimiyle tanıştım, herkes onu tanıyordu. Anlattığına göre bir kızı vardı, dünyalar güzeli. Sağ omzunda kızının doğum tarihi yazılıydı. Bira içiyor, geçmişi sorguluyorduk. İçimizde rezil bir huzursuzluk vardı. Sebebini anlamadan çok iyi anlaştık. Söylemeye cesaret edemediğimiz şeyleri söyleyip çaresizliğimizi ve kırıklığımızı anlatıyorduk, koskoca iki adam barın bir köşesinde gözlerimiz dolu, muhabbet ediyorduk. Arada bir gülümsememizin tek sebebi kızına olan sevgisiydi, ancak o vakit de benim yalnızlığımdan, onunsa kızına aşkından gözyaşlarımız kaybolmuyor, akacak gibi oluyor ama akmıyordu. Hiçbir vakit içimden kaybolmayan, sinsi sinsi zayıf anlarımı kollayan o aciz hissiyatı paylaşacağım kişinin, barda öylesine denk gelip muhabbete düştüğüm bir adam olacağını tahmin etmezdim. İkimiz de güzel şeyleri hatırlamakta güçlük çekiyorduk, tek berrak anılarımız, aklımıza geldiğinde kolumuzu, kanadımızı kıran anılardı. Midemizin alabildiği kadar içtik, akacak gözyaşı durmadı. Aramızdaki muhteşem ahengi ve samimiyeti kabullenmiş olacak ki:

  "Biliyor musun," dedi, "Karım, geçen hafta işten geldiğimde kapıyı bana güler yüzle açtı." Ağlamaya başladı.

  Halihazırda bütün kanım çekilmiş, şakaklarıma bir ağrı saplanmış ve ellerim titriyordu, karşımda koskoca aile babasının da yıkıldığını görünce gözyaşlarım akmaya başladı.

  "Ee, ne var bunda?" dedim acı içinde yutkunup, hiç sahip olamayacağım bir şeyin hasedi ve adama olan sempatimle. Birden ağlaması şiddetlendi, biraz sakinleşmesi zaman aldı.

  "Karım ve bir kızım var, hayatımda sahip olabileceğim en değerli varlıklar. Bir erkeğin sahip olabileceği en güzel şeye sahibim, ama ben..." dedi, yutkundu, "Ben takıntılı bir adamım. Düşündüğüm her şey bana durmaksızın acı verir. 34 sene dayandım, yapmadım ama artık duramıyorum, bu düşüncelerle yaşayamıyorum. Dünyanın en güzel iki varlığını koyup gitme isteği yüzünden aynaya bakamıyorum. Başıma gelen en güzel şeyler yüzünden ölemiyorum. Ben kendimi aleve vermek ve bir daha sönmemek istiyorum..."

  Keskin mi keskin bir hançerle dağlandı her bir yanım, o hissi tanıyordum. Sustum, biliyordum teselliler bir kenara, dünyanın altın anahtarı bile üç kuruş fayda etmezdi o hissi kelama dökebilen adama. Sinir hastasıydım. Keder beni epey öfkelendirirdi, kan beynime sıçradı. Sonrası bir öfke nöbetiydi, hatırlamıyorum. Uyandığımda hastanedeydim, ellerim başta olmak üzere, her yanım yara bere içindeydi. "Ben de, sevgili dostum," dedim kendi kendime, "Ben de ölemiyorum..."

  Toparlandım, iki hafta sonra yine aynı bara gittim. Ortalıkta yoktu, endişelenip barmene sordum. "Buradaydı, az önce gitti," dedi, ferahladım. Yine olay çıkarmayacağıma, sinir krizi geçirmeyeceğime ikna etmek zaman aldı. Sonunda soğuk biram geldi masama. Gülümsedim, ikinci kattan aşağı baktım. Atlayamadım.

  Aradan yıllar geçti, bir daha o bara gitmedim. Adını sormayı akıl etmediğim dostumun hâlini vaktini merak ettim ama gidemedim. Hayatta ve güçlü olmasını umdum, zihninin ona her saniye ihanet etmemesini, ölümün kurtuluş olduğu düşüncesinden uzaklaşmasını ve kızıyla karısını çok sevmesini. Ben hâlâ ölemeyen bir adamdım, ya da sürekli ölmeye devam eden. Bıçaklar keskindi, ipler sağlam; ıstırap ölümcüldü, ölüm uzak.

  Zaman keskin kılıcını gezdirirken tenimin her öpülmüş noktasında, yarın umut barındırmıyor, bugün hain, zihin daimdi. Bitmedi.

Bury Me Not Far

This cursed city of mine

Betrayed me not a time.

She filled my belly and fixed me up a bed,

Poured me whiskey and some tears were shed.

My city is my jealous mistress.

I tried to leave her a thousand times

In my pocket, there were a few dimes.

And my soul was innocent

And tomorrow was promising.

I left and she cried

For my sorrows and blues.

She cried since I loved her not,

And none but her would mercy

To whom she longed for.

She called me back home,

I had no other choice.

She made love to me again,

Yet, I betrayed her once more and left.

On a cold night on some lonesome highway,

I stood as a man who had no one

With no place to go,

And not a soul to call.

Upon this merry world,

Not a dime of merriness

Or mercy was upon me.

I laid myself on the grass, at the gas station

And cried.

Lovers, and families and friends

Went by that gas station.

Wish they did not.

A few months passed,

My mistress called

And said: "Come home."

I said: "I have no love for you."

She said: "I know."

I returned to the arms of my mistress.

She never eased the pain,

Yet, she did not kill.

Now that I'm sure my grave

Will be shallow and abrupt,

Bury me not far.

Therefore I Yearn

Honey, keep your body warm

A taste of you I have sworn.

Light a candle and wear your hair loose,

Let me handle the delightful art of seduce.

Don't put on any lipstick, so that

I know exactly when to kiss you

As your lips turn red and you leave me

A drop of fine wine there to taste.

As minutes go by and thy lust grows

So shall mine, due to Merlot I suppose.

I know you'll be in the arms of many

But tonight, I beg you to lie to me

And say "I'll kneel to none but thee."

I'll overlook the stitches on your knee.

Hatred

Among the unfaithful and the corrupted,

Burn a decent man once and soon you'll see

What he is actually made of.

Give him a gun and absolute impunity

And see him polish off the world.

Hurt his brother and let them

Pick up your pieces off the sidewalk.

Backbite him and lose your tongue,

Touch his lady and lose your cock.

Just give the gun to the decent man

Who lays his head easy

Once he sends to kingdom come

The twisters and the cheesy.

Let him wipe us all, the wicked,

Off this world that belongs not to us,

The unfaithful, and the corrupted.

Some of the Ladies I Recently Knew

  Soothing came the last days of November 2017. It was a little cold, and among the ladies I met, one stood out with her charming attitude and beauty. Came December, I fell for her. I'm not gonna lie, I thought that sunshine walked beside her. It was real disappointing to find out that there was never a sunshine beside her, only a darkness, unholier than the unholy night.

  Then came July, I marched to a city that sleeps not at night with my dreams of staying there for good and leaving all the shit I went through behind. Well, a lady accompanied me. Throughout the dog days, we fucked as if we were not the lovers of many before.

  Came September, I've returned once more to this city of mine, for I've learned yet again, that you can never run from yourself by going distances. Then I met Lady H. She was something. Then I left Lady H. for I knew no good comes from the sweet warmth of a gorgeous lady. Only a sweet taste I could get from her, and she gave it to me with kindness and lust.

  Came January, I met a lady in a black dress. With some blue pills and good fortune, I did what I used to do best and then left her for I was, and still am, a fucked up man with a fucked up mind.

  Came March, I drank more than I should and suddenly made love to a woman I shouldn't have. She said that I was a big mistake. Well, tell me something I don't fucking know. With a whisper she left my side, only to lay herself beside me once again soon after.

  Now there are many more things to tell, but I'm a man with not much patience. Throughout my journey of waiting around to die, damn those days to come when I'm still alive and writing whatever pops into me mind.

A Shame It Would Be

She who I endeared with all I got

Lend me thine ears!

I never meant to break your heart,

And leave you in tears.

Upon my tongue are the best wishes for you,

Yet I shall not whisper them, for I am due.

Elsewhere must shine thy glamorous body

For in darkness I am, and I'll everlasting be.

Whither thou goest, I'll pardon myself from

For in my heart, thou shalt not again bloom.

A Fine Commander Commands

Hands shiver not, boys

For sorrowful ballads they will sing

About those who die not in the arms of a mistress

But about those who bled upon the earth.

Miss not your wives, boys

For they will mourn you no more

When this unholy war ends

And they marry handsome lads.

Don't make friends amongst yourselves, boys

For friends ought to smell good

And you shall reek come tomorrow

As dead men with no morrow.
Shut your tired eyes and rest until dawn, boys
And dream about all the things you wish you had
For as sun appears, a bullet will take it all away
There will be no more breakfast come Sunday.
You've been said that you'll be a hero, yet they lied
No hero is remembered less than a fortnight.
On the battlefield, nothing's wrong and nothing's right
For all you'll witness, dying will be a sweet delight.
Keep your head high as you die,
For freedom soon shall bloom upon your tomb.

Dreary Eyes Shut

As drunk as her body let her

She laid herself beside me.

I had no idea whether I wanted to fuck her

Or make love to her for her eyes dreary

Made me dream of things I once wished I had.

Her thick lips were as red as it gets

And between those lips, she whispered

A melody of my heart,

With her warm breath, upon my neck.

Not a spot of her body was cold

And her deadly warm hands on my chest

Were there to kill me kindly

As though she was a sweet murderer

Of heartless men like me.

She laid her dreary eyes upon me

And an irresistible yearning took control of me.

The rest is history.

I woke up come morning,

She did not.

No sweet warmth was left for my redemption.

Both our souls were lost that day,

But I kept breathing, somehow.

I still seek desperately for my soul,

Yet, cold I find, or nothing at all.

For a Dime of Sanity

  "Top of the morning to ya!" I yelled to none, "To you, too!" yelled none. My sore throat bled like a virgin, smoothly and not much. Lady of the night was mine to touch. Dead to the world she was sleeping, until my tongue came flipping. Poverty of the soul was the reason behind our nudeness, every mortal needs some undressing to richen the poor soul every once in a while. Before none but our mournful bodies, we fed our poor souls again. Our sheet was covered by the outcomes of her body's pleasure, and her body was covered by our never-to-be-born children. Guilt came knocking at her door and she started talking about her boyfriend and what a big mistake I was. Oh, my beautiful young one, when was I ever not a mistake?

  Time flew, our paths crossed once again in the same bed. Our tongues touched one another with fidelity and hunger. Her forearm leaning on the back of my neck made me gasp, yet I kept kissing  those winey lips sweeter than a pie. If I were to breathe my last, I'd like to go choking on her winey lips with relish. She didn't let me die just yet, and took our clothes off in the blink of an eye. Between her legs was a fountain of pleasure already, and god whispered from there. Heaven I found between her legs. She moaned as I wandered around in that heaven and her eyes rolled and her hands pressed hard against my back. Corners of her belly I held tightly and I kissed her neck warmly. Then I took her legs upon my shoulders and grabbed her thighs. She cried her grief out between her legs and so did I, upon her chest soon after. Our sheet was once again covered by the outcomes of her pleasure, and we slept upon her pleasure with a smile on our tired and sweaty faces.

  Came the morning I woke. With a shy face she trembled for me. I did lay myself beside her once again, and left her caress for fed were our souls.

Storyteller is Due

  This apathy of mine hurts me not

  Bleeds me not, kills me not.

  I can not sigh, I can not care,

  I can not die, I can not repair.

  Be still not my heart,

  For my unholy kingdom falls.

  My castle is torn apart,

  And carries agony in its halls.

Seek & Find & Bleed

  "He who belongethe not, seeketh. He who belongethe, bleedeth."

  (he who belongs not, seeks. he who belongs, bleeds.)

  An oath of allegiance to none but six feet under is all that a man can do. Yet, he seeks a home, suffering from the great delusion of mankind, the sense of belonging. So, he who belongs not, seeks. He desperately seeks a place he can call home, and hopefully, finds it. The great delusion of belongingness is nothing but a riddle from the killer himself, the good-old time. And time's merciless riddle's answer is awakening. Awakening to the bitter truth that no man belongs anywhere upon the ground but into the nothingness. Therefore, he who belongs not, starts to bleed. The thought of it is never sweet.

A Poem to My Lady H, For I Yearn

  "I knew that in the time to come, I wouldn't be able to kiss your lips sweet as a starry-eyed daydream for a reason I'd never know why. What I've let me be sickens me, a man of such a sweet, yet lethal sorrow."

  It's been a long time and many a fine lady since the last time I saw you. Our memories come flooding back treacherously every so often. Warmth of your hands wandering along my hair and my back haunts me, as though you moved in my veins and will not leave until you finally block the blood flow to my heart and give me a painful heart-attack. It's pretty hard to confess for a man with such a holier-than-thou attitude like me, but bear in your to-die-for mind that I yearn for you lately and continuously.

  My trembling body to be slaughtered

  For just a kiss upon your smooth thighs

  Or maybe your wise lips

  That call for me not.

  Oh, my sin most holy

  My grave most merry

  My nightmare most fairy

  My decay is your glory.

  Fire all the guns in the world without mercy to me;

  I shall not bleed a drop anyhow, for I bled it all for thee.

Widow In the Oldest Pub In Town

A friend of mine introduced us in the oldest pub in town

And on a good day, I'd lay myself beside her

With all the lust I have left

For the sake of all the lust inside her.

She had no make-up on, oh, I checked

My young fingers wandered hard on that lovely face

Oh, my friends, she made me touch everywhere possible

Yet, nothing in me shined.

She told about her two little daughters

And the outcomes of being a single mother

I sat there and listened

And I admired.

She didn't look like she gave birth three months ago

Actually, she was the finest lady there.

As a matter of fact, one of the finest I've ever met.

She said: "I don't wanna fuck you,

You know that, right?"

I only smiled and let that slide

Before she spread her thighs a little and put my hand on her leg.

"What are you doing later on tonight?" she asked

"I'd kill a man to do you, but I can't tonight." I answered.

"How come? Are you not a man?" she said.

"Oh, darling, not tonight. But if you let me kiss

Your unholy lips, I might sleep tight." I whispered to her ear.

"Only a man can kiss me, and you don't act like one." she said.

Her lust grew as she hit the booze

Mine was never there.

She gave up on me that night

And I went home by shank's mare.

I could kill a man that night

To hold her and play with her hair.

For I long to love a woman

And days go by with despair.

I'm afraid to die malt-worm on a cold night

Oh, how I wish I died in her arms that night.